24 December 2012

Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned

There is no eloquent way to say this, so here it is. 

I loath you with every cells existence in my body being, your loneliness is a load of bullshit as compared to my misery.
I wish for your sake your loneliness could disappear, but there comes a time when you don't even deserve a slightest shred of clemency. Therefore no, you shall be lonely and depressed with no one by your side till your very last breath. 

I have a fantasy of the things I will do on the day you die and you will die, eventually. When the day comes, I wouldn't feel bad that you have found your way home. Sort of.

I remembered the first time you told me not to be some creature that will dishonor you to your friends. Sure. You sternly warned me with your right hand grabbing my shirt like a blood mafia, demanded normality. Such hostile threat that came from you, even I had to admit that I was impressed you still have your balls. 

There are bad memories that I will erase from my life, but that wasn't one of them. The way you treated women with unimaginable violence or that you simply 'check out' from your obligatory duty as and when it pleases you. Forgiveness is not an option anymore.

Words could only express so much hatred I have for you, it takes my entire being to hate someone and It's the worst feeling in the world. I won't forgive you for this because I'm trapped in your game and now I'm just a player.

"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 
I am no longer worthy to be called your son."

29 October 2012

Paradise Falls

If given a superpower of your choice, what would you choose..

The most common ones being telepathy, the ability to fly and invisibility. It's not rocket science to know which power I'll choose. Always ended up in such foul mood, sometimes it's so hard to wake up to realize that I'm still alive and I could see the sun rays and hear the strange noise inside my head telling me horrible things that I already knew. 
It just won't let up.

It's safe to say that with the activity happening in my head, the obvious power to eliminate is telepathy. Even if I could do it, my heart would be spent living in constant paranoia, terrify to hear what awful things you might have to say about me. 

How about leaping into the vast blue sky and stay forever free, sure. Flying away is choosing to be free in the wild any time it pleases you, it somehow suggest the very  question of existence. As you might have figured, 'existing' isn't my strongest suit.

Have you ever looked into someone's eyes, someone you respect immensely and got a sense of disdain back. It doesn't have to be a lecture, an impassive sentence of disagreement, or a single word of advice. The look says it all. At the moment you wished you hadn't disappointed anyone and just fly away instead. 

That left me with Invisibility. A personal favorite which I think could go well with the invisible cloak that I've been working on. When life gets hard sometimes, slowly drift off to a place that only you could understand. Over there, you'd never felt so belong, like sunset and breaking dawn are all in the same all day long. 

It is exotic, it is beautiful, nothing like you have ever seen. There, you see the deceased family members too. Your father, aunt, grandmother... like the few pieces of puzzle you've been trying to locate but always seems to miss.

Nothing could feel so potent and yet futile, disappearing could mean the world even for a  little while.

6 October 2012

Money Is The Anthem God You're So Handsome

Or do you not think so far ahead.

A life without meaning, a sense of lost belonging, breaking tradition and superstition to utter such nonsense on my birthday.

I wish I was never born. 

3 October 2012

"We need fantasy to survive because reality is too difficult..." Anonymous 

2 October 2012

Selection Last

I could hear an underwhelming soundtrack playing in the background, everywhere I looked every person I speak to I could hear it. 

You know sometimes when you're having these casual unexpected conversation with a friend, in between sentences you tried to make a point after he/she has just did. Wanting it badly, you say something dumb, just so it could end and both of you could get on back with your lives.

Imagine in between those silent moments, if you awkwardly decided that you wanted to end the conversation anyway by saying nothing. The background music would have been soothing, easy or even cheerful. 

But if your comebacks are jokes that makes the conversation less appalling to chew on, the soundtrack would be a serious, intense and depressing. Which you always do so you could laugh at your expense in order to end that dreadful conversation. 

...or you can just push people away. Relief. 

13 August 2012

Dear Samael,

You look like you knew me.
 Trying to complete my sentence without a need for reductive measures. Like we've met in our previous life. Wonderful, now that you have found me, you will stay as long as it pleases you.
So now that I have you by my side, it's like you were never gone. 
You are perfect to me, as me to you. 
You present yourself to me wholeheartedly, realizing the imminent death is upon me. How generous I thought, how generous.
Still I believe you. 

I love him now, forever and always. It's something only you could feel from love songs. It's borderline cheesy, even for me. 

Then, I questioned my existence before his appearance. 

3 July 2012

Ground Zero

Its as though I could never know when I'm about to break, I chose the best time today- when I was at work. My superior was probably discussing something with me...
It must have been some matter of grave importance because I could hear his voice despite my exceedingly loud distraction then suddenly, I felt a sense of helplessness that I could not exonerate myself from. 

I must have seen something which I had absolutely no interest in, or so I thought. Why did it bothers me so much why, a slew of garbage images came flooding. Him, a nobody that had found somebody.

Life is like a bad poem- "here you live, here you die, and when you think you've survived, he'd then forfeit your life." 

6 May 2012


I miss you, because.
A sheep could never prey on a lion, because.
Fear is like a ghostly scratch with bruise, because.
Sleeping is an aching hobby, because.
Loving is emptiness, because.
Being torture in slow motion, because.
Pleasing is teasing in hollowness, because.
Human spirit are indestructible but easily corruptible, because.
Desert is only pixie dust dry land without an ounce of teardrop, because.
Thou shall die and stay a dead man, because.
You will never notice me, because.
People die, because.
Answer is never complete without a question, because.
Doubt is a luxury for the rich and famous, because.
The sky isn't the limit (sorry kids), because.
Lucid dream is subconscious filled with real memories, because.

reality is more different..

28 February 2012

So They Call It Limbo With A Purpose Unknown

(Have you ever dreamt of such vile awful dreams and if god's willing, you wish it'd happened to someone else? Say your worst nightmares. Pun unintended.)

It was dark, it always is. Started with a black projected shadow, they wore cape, black furry one. Cruising around without limps, one could imagined they were from outer space, because something just don't belong. But that was the least of my worries. 

Swiftly I ducked, scared and alone so I shut down. I shut my body system and try to sleep, eager awaiting to flee that black hole. If only I knew what was going on I thought, I closed my eyes to see in the dark. What was the different, evaluating my situation thoroughly before I make any silly decision.

Something flew by and hit my temple, it's of solid object that I am certain. I couldn't move because I was quivering in shock.

Laughter. Clucking noise. Slow claps. Something or someone is walking towards me. I did not see legs earlier so how would it possibly be able to walk towards me. Nothing make sense anymore. Clouded judgement in times of fear, hopeless. I pretended that I was asleep and held my breath, but I was already asleep...

23 January 2012

Sunset Avenue

35 °C mid afternoon carrying a harassing dense breeze. 
Short breathes slowly, slurping a sachet of English Breakfast. 

Hot tea on a weather like this? 
And it was almost like I was demanding for some unsolved mystery of the universe, 
somehow perspiration answered the untold question for me. 

Blink of an eye, my stomach hurts. My guts thumped heavily, why not. I was lost in thoughts, searching for a way out when a powerful door slam jolted for my attention. 

It's the weather, grey and pale and restless, unpredictable as weather should be. 
As life should be.