Heart That Doesn't Look Back

Remember it as though it was yesterday, neglected like a forsaken memory.

I cling on to hope, fighting for the last shred of dignity that somehow it might change you.

Circumstances might deceived you, fooled you, trampled and tarnished you even, where there lie despair, there is also redemption. Circumstances may lead you astray, bruised and wounded but I'm always going to be there to pick you up.

This is not a drill of happiness, this is the last time I'm giving you my all. For you to understand that it wasn't a show that I merely 'performed', I left my heart and soul up on that stage. 

The idea is simple and easy to wrap around actually, I never see that coming until it did. I put your priority on top of mine and it wasn't even the best part. The best part of it all is that I have fallen too deep it seems, with my heart in your hand I relinquish all control.

Bury myself with work, I let time have me wholeheartedly. Unassumingly, I tip toe away, so you won't have to say, never wanting to let you down while I watch you from afar now.

I'm passive, that's a strength I treasured. I'm passive, that's a weakness you've exposed.

The funny thing is that I still think of you when I hear love songs playing... until I don't anymore.

"One tiny comfort at a time.."

Patient Zero

Have you ever wondered when is the best time to let someone go? 

Do you write it down on a note, wake up one morning and decide to do it? Or do you wait with patience or without, surviving base on the slow-burned endurance until you are left with none?

It's a privilege to see through other people's intention before passing the judgement yourself. Be it kind or despicably foul they might be, something never change- Motive.

A similar pattern of someone's personality trait can never be easily altered, let alone their appearance. Something always end up reveling itself...somehow. Trust me, it's a hustle to put up an appearance especially when you're covering one facet with another. 

The point I was going to make is that none of us can be as consistent as one would think. It always takes that one temptation to break us, why do you think we have the word 'alcohol'.

Of course, some takes it more often than other people which could lead them to irreversible consequences. But with the right people by your side who looks after you, sometimes you will be fine. 

You want to avoid heading towards the deep end. You want to protect what is most valuable to you. You want to keep a certain promise and live the bloody up to it. You want to be able to come home at night and have him say: "you did great today, you've work hard, come here.."

Devastation, you want to stop worrying about all this and not go completely bonkers.

Either you tell yourself the good or bad news, it's a deal made between you and the Absolute Being.

Go figure, because he is watching.

Oui

I run towards the light, it was dazzlingly beautiful, your face was beautiful.

The weather is dense, more so than a typical day.

Checking my cell phone so very often, constantly finding the need to see if your name pops up.

My heart isn't fluttered, it pounds at a surprising normal rate, so I thank god for that.

I'm letting all the fears go, in order to have that moment with you.

Quietly I listen to your heartbeat, my arms was around you.

Like a child, you curled up to me, I don't resist.

I don't mind, good things happen to those who wait.

And if you're worthy, I would not just wait, I will fight for you.

I would die to make you mine...

For Better, For Worse

Direct my attention to face you, It was the decency of your tone that I knew I was home. A sudden touch solidified our connection, a withered rose decays. A better time there may be, with you around forever and always. 

"Seek comfort in us.." 

Paperman

I'm more of a singer than a talker I always tell myself, I could make you fall in love with the song I sing easily, hopefully transport you to another place and make you feel belong. I have experienced it, so naturally I feel I could influence someone else.

Have you ever walked into a room full of people, people you will soon befriends with and felt completely alone? 

You will befriend with them because of your god-given talent to mingle. It requires you to make small talks then into the topics of their choice then so on. That is simple, you pick what they want to discuss and then follow suit. 

Again, it is not that difficult to make new friends, you've done it before. What's agonizing to me is the feeling that comes after that.

The aching soul realizes it limit and it starts to crumble. Even though you are exactly where you should be, you are thousands miles away. Like a invisible giant vacuum suck you right out, place you in another dimension. Suddenly what happened to their dogs that week or what they do for a living isn't important to you anymore. "Is this what I signed up for?" you begin to question. 

I wish I could sing my confinement away one note at the time.

The Perks of Being a Nobody

Maybe I will never be okay, maybe someday I'll look back to think it was a disconnected and beautiful thing that I was me for a reason and that'd be okay. 

Maybe I was never meant to execute this life well, it's hard to be brief when there are these unresolved, unyielding mixed feelings that just cannot wait to be expressed. You know sometimes when good things happen to you, you feel like maybe you did something right long enough to deserve them. And when something bad happen, you would ask yourself all sort of questions why did it ever happen to you until a point where you just want the nightmare to end. 

See, there are many ways to cheer yourself up but there are millions to pull you down. But tonight, we can be heroes, you'll be my king and I'll be yours. 

Something Borrowed, Something Blue

There is never a time to think it's perfectly fine to quit something, especially when it is almost like a chore that you mustn't fail to complete. 

But somehow along the way the word got lost, vision of your hopes and what it should be isn't like you dreamed. It is indistinctly familiar, vaguely memorable, then slowly the notion vanishes like it hadn't been there before.

You know the worst of the worst that comes right after, words of encouragement like "A winner never quits, a quitter never wins", "When the going get tough, the tough get going" and "Success is the best revenge"

Correction: "REVENGE is the best revenge"

≠

Lie with me.

The edge of your empty heart, defeated.

All that you are is lesser in the light of your lies. 

"Fiction, when we're not together
Mistaken for a vision, something of my own creation
I wake up alone, with only daylight between us
Last night the world was beneath us, tonight comes, dear love
Were we torn apart by the break of day?
You're more than I can believe, would ever come my way

Fiction, when we're not together
Mistaken for a vision, something of my own creation
Come real love, why do I refuse you?
Cause if my fear's right, I risk to lose you
And if I just might wake up alone
Bring on the night

Fiction, when we're not together
Mistaken for a vision, something of my own creation
Any certainties, how am I to tell?
I know your face all too well, still I wake up alone

Fiction, when we're not together"

You were saying?

Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned

There is no eloquent way to say this, so here it is. 

I loath you with every cells existence in my body being, your loneliness is a load of bullshit as compared to my misery.

I wish for your sake your loneliness could disappear, but there comes a time when you don't even deserve a slightest shred of clemency. Therefore no, you shall be lonely and depressed with no one by your side till your very last breath. 

I have a fantasy of the things I will do on the day you die and you will die, eventually. When the day comes, I wouldn't feel bad that you have found your way home. Sort of.

I remembered the first time you told me not to be some creature that will dishonor you to your friends. Sure. You sternly warned me with your right hand grabbing my shirt like a blood mafia, demanded normality. Such hostile threat that came from you, even I had to admit that I was impressed you still have your balls. 

There are bad memories that I will erase from my life, but that wasn't one of them. The way you treated women with unimaginable violence or that you simply 'check out' from your obligatory duty as and when it pleases you. Forgiveness is not an option anymore.

Words could only express so much hatred I have for you, it takes my entire being to hate someone and It's the worst feeling in the world. I won't forgive you for this because I'm trapped in your game and now I'm just a player.

"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 
I am no longer worthy to be called your son."

Paradise Falls

If given a superpower of your choice, what would you choose..

The most common ones being telepathy, the ability to fly and invisibility. It's not rocket science to know which power I'll choose. Always ended up in such foul mood, sometimes it's so hard to wake up to realize that I'm still alive and I could see the sun rays and hear the strange noise inside my head telling me horrible things that I already knew. 
It just won't let up.

It's safe to say that with the activity happening in my head, the obvious power to eliminate is telepathy. Even if I could do it, my heart would be spent living in constant paranoia, terrify to hear what awful things you might have to say about me. 

How about leaping into the vast blue sky and stay forever free, sure. Flying away is choosing to be free in the wild any time it pleases you, it somehow suggest the very  question of existence. As you might have figured, 'existing' isn't my strongest suit.

Have you ever looked into someone's eyes, someone you respect immensely and got a sense of disdain back. It doesn't have to be a lecture, an impassive sentence of disagreement, or a single word of advice. The look says it all. At the moment you wished you hadn't disappointed anyone and just fly away instead. 

That left me with Invisibility. A personal favorite which I think could go well with the invisible cloak that I've been working on. When life gets hard sometimes, slowly drift off to a place that only you could understand. Over there, you'd never felt so belong, like sunset and breaking dawn are all in the same all day long. 

It is exotic, it is beautiful, nothing like you have ever seen. There, you see the deceased family members too. Your father, aunt, grandmother... like the few pieces of puzzle you've been trying to locate but always seems to miss.

Nothing could feel so potent and yet futile, disappearing could mean the world even for a  little while.

Money Is The Anthem God You're So Handsome

Or do you not think so far ahead.

A life without meaning, a sense of lost belonging, breaking tradition and superstition to utter such nonsense on my birthday.

I wish I was never born. 

"We need fantasy to survive because reality is too difficult..." ~ Anonymous 

Selection Last

I could hear an underwhelming soundtrack playing in the background, everywhere I looked every person I speak to I could hear it. 

You know sometimes when you're having these casual unexpected conversation with a friend, in between sentences you tried to make a point after he/she has just did. Wanting it badly, you say something dumb, just so it could end and both of you could get on back with your lives.

Imagine in between those silent moments, if you awkwardly decided that you wanted to end the conversation anyway by saying nothing. The background music would have been soothing, easy or even cheerful. 

But if your comebacks are jokes that makes the conversation less appalling to chew on, the soundtrack would be a serious, intense and depressing. Which you always do so you could laugh at your expense in order to end that dreadful conversation. 

...or you can just push people away. Relief. 

Dear Samael,

You look like you knew me.

 Trying to complete my sentence without a need for reductive measures. Like we've met in our previous life. Wonderful, now that you have found me, you will stay as long as it pleases you.

So now that I have you by my side, it's like you were never gone. 

You are perfect to me, as me to you. 

You present yourself to me wholeheartedly, realizing the imminent death is upon me. How generous I thought, how generous.

Still I believe you. 

I love him now, forever and always. It's something only you could feel from love songs. It's borderline cheesy, even for me. 

Then, I questioned my existence before his appearance. 

Ground Zero

Its as though I could never know when I'm about to break, I chose the best time today- when I was at work. My superior was probably discussing something with me...
It must have been some matter of grave importance because I could hear his voice despite my exceedingly loud distraction then suddenly, I felt a sense of helplessness that I could not exonerate myself from. 

I must have seen something which I had absolutely no interest in, or so I thought. Why did it bothers me so much why, a slew of garbage images came flooding. Him, a nobody that had found somebody.

Life is like a bad poem- "here you live, here you die, and when you think you've survived, he'd then forfeit your life." 

Becaus(ed)

I miss you, because.

A sheep could never prey on a lion, because.

Fear is like a ghostly scratch with bruise, because.

Sleeping is an aching hobby, because.
Loving is emptiness, because.

Being torture in slow motion, because.

Pleasing is teasing in hollowness, because.

Human spirit are indestructible but easily corruptible, because.

Desert is only pixie dust dry land without an ounce of teardrop, because.
Thou shall die and stay a dead man, because.

You will never notice me, because.

People die, because.

Answer is never complete without a question, because.

Doubt is a luxury for the rich and famous, because.

The sky isn't the limit (sorry kids), because.
Lucid dream is subconscious filled with real memories, because.

reality is more different..

So They Call It Limbo With A Purpose Unknown

 

(Have you ever dreamt of such vile awful dreams and if god's willing, you wish it'd happened to someone else? Say your worst nightmares. Pun unintended.)

It was dark, it always is. Started with a black projected shadow, they wore cape, black furry one. Cruising around without limps, one could imagined they were from outer space, because something just don't belong. But that was the least of my worries. 

Swiftly I ducked, scared and alone so I shut down. I shut my body system and try to sleep, eager awaiting to flee that black hole. If only I knew what was going on I thought, I closed my eyes to see in the dark. What was the different, evaluating my situation thoroughly before I make any silly decision.

Something flew by and hit my temple, it's of solid object that I am certain. I couldn't move because I was quivering in shock.

Laughter. Clucking noise. Slow claps. Something or someone is walking towards me. I did not see legs earlier so how would it possibly be able to walk towards me. Nothing make sense anymore. Clouded judgement in times of fear, hopeless. I pretended that I was asleep and held my breath, but I was already asleep...

Sunset Avenue

35 °C mid afternoon carrying a harassing dense breeze. 
Short breathes slowly, slurping a sachet of English Breakfast. 

Hot tea on a weather like this? 
And it was almost like I was demanding for some unsolved mystery of the universe, 
somehow perspiration answered the untold question for me. 

Blink of an eye, my stomach hurts. My guts thumped heavily, why not. I was lost in thoughts, searching for a way out when a powerful door slam jolted for my attention. 

It's the weather, grey and pale and restless, unpredictable as weather should be. 
As life should be.

Not In Wonderland Anymore Alice

When vulnerability checks in. Seldom, but adequate amount in recent memory, too soon as I started recalling. It never should've left. It takes that one negative notion to plug into the inner beyond reach territory where I thought time has accomplished itself by erasing the rotten and sordid side. Just like I thought, a bell of reminder rings.

"Hi, remember me? I thought I lost you but you came back for me after all". By now I should know that tears cannot exist because it didn't, panting, I ran out of breath. Endlessly aching, unconsoled.

daed sgniht

 

I'm so low I could do a 10 minute free-fall off the edge of a dime...

Never mind the amount of audacity I had to challenge gods free-will to protect, serve and cater to his faithful believers. The will to live is adjacent to my strength as fragility is too visible to conceal.

Bulletproof, the human body is designed to withstand all sorts of harm, it's designed to conquer and dominate. It heals itself so we could feel better, on the outside to you to everyone.

Unwind a few years back before all creative efforts was derided, there were these few good years I thought I had it good. That somehow neon bright lights, birds chirping, strangers smile was what I needed to get by. 

Things went for the twisted turns when you thought you had life figured out, as though I plunged into the ocean like I couldn't face another day, in this case another breath. Diving deeper seemed to be conclusively attractive. 

As far as one could go, I glared down at me wondered how I got this far how much I had conquered. Dying now proves much effort to stay alive for someone else. 

Who'd that be.