It's okay not to be okay

Sunset Avenue

2012-01-23T04:42:00.002+08:00

35 °C mid afternoon carrying a harassing dense breeze.
Short breathes slowly, slurping a sachet of English Breakfast.

Hot tea on a weather like this?
And it was almost like I was demanding for some unsolved mystery of the universe,
perspiration answered the untold question me for me.

Blink of an eye, my stomach hurts. My guts thumped heavily, why not. I was lost in thoughts, searching for a way out when a powerful door slam jolted for my attention.

It's the weather, grey and pale and restless, unpredictable as weather should be.
As life should be.

Not In Wonderland Anymore Alice

2011-11-11T01:55:00.001+08:00

When vulnerability checks in. Seldom, but adequate amount in recent memory, too soon as I started recalling. It never should've left. It takes that one negative notion to plug into the inner beyond reach territory where I thought time has accomplished itself by erasing the rotten and sordid side. Just like I thought, a bell of reminder rings.

"Hi, remember me? I thought I lost you but you came back for me after all". By now I should know that tears cannot exist because it didn't, panting, I ran out of breath. Endlessly aching, unconsoled.

daed sgniht

2011-10-17T01:37:00.000+08:00

I'm so low I could do a 10 minute free-fall off the edge of a dime...

Never mind the amount of audacity I had to challenge gods free-will to protect, serve and cater to his faithful believers. The will to live is adjacent to my strength as fragility is too visible to conceal.

Bulletproof, the human body is designed to withstand all sorts of harm, it's designed to conquer and dominate. It heals itself so we could feel better, on the outside to you to everyone.

Unwind a few years back before all creative efforts was derided, there were these few good years I thought I had it good. That somehow neon bright lights, birds chirping, strangers smile was what I needed to get by.

Things went for the twisted turns when you thought you had life figured out, as though I plunged into the ocean like I couldn't face another day, in this case another breath. Diving deeper seemed to be conclusively attractive.

As far as one could go, I glared down at me wondered how I got this far how much I had conquered. Dying now proves much effort to stay alive for someone else.

Who'd that be.

For Now & A While, Eternity

2011-08-25T01:57:00.003+08:00

I write this because I'm fully healed.

You don't know it for sure, do you?

Sure I do, I'm fine.

Your looks might be, but you're a utter mess inside. Completely chaotic.

Bitter and insensitive comments are not welcome but thanks.

So is your false pretence and waves of denial, you're welcome. Now listen to me.

No.

You ought to, need to.

I don't want to.

Trust me.

Sickness & In Health

2011-06-19T02:12:00.000+08:00

How do we survive in this cruel world we were born into?
All that we wanted was to clear our heads, screw ourselves from time to time just so we could start over.

Depletion of love, agony ignites. How do one get over when the world kicked you to the dirt after you peaked so high.

Anytime now, leap forward to soar, to the edge of entity.

White spaces filled my heart, enormous strength grasped on my limbs, it is as steady as the worthless courage I possessed.

When you get too upset, nothing is too upset.

Inexorable anxiety, quit.

Ruination Exchanged For A Rebirth

2011-04-16T12:24:00.003+08:00

So troubled I needed to pray for someone else, through sufferings we all have predicaments of what is coming next. Dreams collapse, the tallest tower falls the hardest the higher we build it.

Why aren't you crying? Every once in a while the world stares into each other souls to gain some perspectives, but why don't you sob, grief over the fact that people have lost faith as we proceed into the New World. Fluttered anxiety, may be about time to witness the greatest reality episode of our lives - manic devastation of our generation.

It's not so bad is it, ending.

Just A Little Longer

2011-04-03T01:27:00.002+08:00

Desolation,
Wide open space,
Between the trees and me,
Emptiness and me,
Confusion and decisions,
Feelings hard to define,
And I say to myself,
Just a little longer,

Coldness seeps
Its way in,
I am falling deeper,
Into what I fear most,
As I reach out,
There is nothing there,
As possible there was something once,
Only to be gone,
And I say to myself,
Just a little longer,

Shimmering in the darkness,
I see two moons,
Reflecting off a stream of thoughts,
Ongoing forever more,
Along a rocky road,
Slowly giving in to finding a way out,
I take the plunge under the river,
Then the wind carries a whisper,
Gently on a breeze,
Just a little longer...

There's a place call home, waiting.

You know

2011-03-30T00:28:00.001+08:00

That feeling when you are on the verge of getting something but you are not sure if you are going to get it eventually. Just maybe you will, the depressing thoughts haunt you again and again and you think you might just lose it and then you start to question the Whys and Why am I not good enough to be stronger than frail.

I feel sick.

Soon You Will See

2011-03-06T01:26:00.003+08:00

The sun is shining but it's so far away.

Substantial theory's keep telling that your world will not come tumbling down into a spiraling mess, you know it too well. How easy would It be when you lick your bloody wound, and thought maybe you would feel lesser pain in a minute or two. Wondering, yes the pain may subside and so will your feelings, yet another feeling emanate so you could stay in love with sorrow.

For a little while, but less touchy warmth.

Pliable Sheet of Tissue

2011-02-21T23:39:00.002+08:00

The more I try to learn about myself, more unpleasant things seem to surface. It's true there are lunatics regard technology as religion, need to stay in touch, need to be on-the-go, need to express your mind on-the-go.

We stored so much information in our brains that it is so easy to save it on our gadgets as 'part' of our memory reliance. Carry personal identification numbers, private messages and passwords, Al Qaeda's code, all under the control of your fingers. The next step might just be Microchip implant that we could all inject into our skin.

Don't be surprise when Lucifer show up after we did, greet us with his sinister smile, as though he knew his plan would work, because human being are NEVER satisfied. No matter how fast we choose to walk, we will never slow down until we die. And that sounds pretty that I wonder how did people survive the 70s?

I hope I satisfy my fellow depressed souls.

Olsen.

Herido

2011-02-13T15:13:00.001+08:00

I wrote this in the dark, for the dark.

When craving stops, he left you in peace

I wonder if he ever cares

Gawk at the shadow that never returned

I slit my wrist, hoped for better tomorrow

But tomorrow never comes.

Grandmother

2011-02-02T23:37:00.007+08:00

You think it'll be the same without you right.

You broke my heart once, you can break it once more which you did. The thought of you not being there just freak me out, it sadden me what you can do. So insecure, so drunk, anguish make pretty. You are not making this easy to me.

I wish no matter where you are, you will remember the family you once had, It's just not the same without you.

Wish you were here.

Lets hear the Light

2010-12-30T14:11:00.007+08:00

I know I'm sad, I'm colorful too

Even in places where light is forbidden, in some crazy bizarre weird sorta surreal way, a ray of a dimmest light always survived through, thinking of that image in my head just makes me smile. But not for long, imagination.

Grace To The Strong

2010-12-07T18:08:00.040+08:00

The Golden Calf

We are all alone in our own separate ways, so singularity make peace with it, adventure on our own. Ruled by digital age, none can be assure that he or she is happy, even for the blessed.
Even for the blessed.

Loneliness seems dreadful when you least expected it, though it is true when you believe in your company.

I'll forgive your ignorance, for what I have done you would never understand. You shall be excluded, gracefully excelled off the game. You are not needed here, nor is your tendency to think otherwise.

Bring light to the weak, dark twisted fate, let my dearest dear be awaken. Reach beneath what you seek and let it sink in, deep down will you find peace and harmony.

For the material of a designer is creativity, and that of statuary bronze, so the subject matter of the art of living is each person's own life.

Olsen.

Effervescence

2010-11-11T23:42:00.017+08:00

My thoughts are screamingly loud; like I couldn't turn my attention away from it. For whatever reason I have, I didn't.

And just thought, maybe for a second I can return safely to where I used to be, it then hit me that it was okay to linger.

It's okay to stay. I'm welcome anyway.

I can't tell where I'm about to go, nor distinct the place where I have been. They all look so familiar I swear I have seen it before.

Mama says I'm dreaming all my life, perhaps.

Mama says I'm stupid all my life, perhaps.

Mama says I'm born this way, that I can't change my fate.

Mama says I'll protect her with my life.

She says I'll live to see tomorrow

She says I'll see the change in humanity, therefore discrimination, prejudice and agony shall be history, forever.

無

2010-10-29T17:04:00.005+08:00

In the dark where I belong,

there I shall find comfort to live peacefully,

there I shall find love and acceptance.

To the underworld,

keeps for the fallen angels,

the lost souls wonders,

crying out to an ocean with no horizon.

There is no ending,

neither will your scream be heard,

testament of your strength will be challenged,

it is coming,

and it should be,

nothing but an empty tank at the end of the day.

There will be no tomorrow,

there shan't be,

for which you'll resent tomorrow anyway, so does today.

Pleasing the lord of mercy,

faithful to your own,

lost,

left drifting through the wind.

Be in the rain,

the air that I breathe.

You shan't be found...

Tearing Him Away

2010-10-24T04:50:00.002+08:00

Free from restraint, nothing to lose is equivalent to numbness, given the leaving of power one can offer. What is another passage to the heaven gateway, the last open closed door, the metaphorical devil that prevent us from soaring.

The quicksand is heavier than I thought, denser with every steps I take, as I inhale another breath of air, I exhale another inch of despair, like my wings on me has lost its purpose. I know it'd be about time, where everyone has to go back to where they came from, where life takes place in the memories of the living, in the heart of death.

Suggestion can no longer fit this much I know, I feel it in my guts with each step I take, I sink deeper. You'll see me struggle, but that will be useless because all you can do is watch, intriguing enough, death seems harmless. I am the power to let power go, I'm clearer now, the past will be my future, like I've never been born, like I'm still under the devoted care and love from my mother.

What I thought I might have, has no control over what I don't know. The sun is setting, this however lost it's sparks in amusement, we cannot alter the way we feel anymore, the decision is gone, it changed everything, for the least, for the best.

I know it first hand because what I know this is not what I chose to learn again, acquaintances wear masks, disguise in a form of discretion. Believing in what not to believe, present themselves in a world full of anxiety, endless uncertainty.

The cloud darkened, the cycle continues as the storm arrived, better days will disappear in front of you, blowing at all direction.

How it is not worth saving?

Olsen

Isolation

2010-10-19T14:19:00.006+08:00

noun.

The act of isolating or the condition of being isolated
The quality or condition of being isolated.

My beginning of wonderment, into the Galaxy far far away, enough to look down upon earth gratefully, but close enough to know that I am, still tie down by obligation. Obligation, the solid confinement that one was given from the day he was born. Overcome such duties are not exchangeable, nor can be simply ignore.

Fundamentally, we are all suffering, whether you like it or not, life is selfish, it's like watching Avatar, everything intertwined so closely that sometimes we couldn't fathom.

Life is great, life is coincidences coming together to piece the puzzle which everything will eventually form a gigantic picture of truth, the nature of truth, the defining truth. The way we handle truth, however deter how we suppose to not think about because the nature of it, none of us can really accept. We live in a world of tolerance and harmony; it can be genuine if you believe so.

I don't hate truth, truth is what we need, so does obligation. These make us human as we are smart and dumb, good and evil at the same time. It's hard to tell because your peace of mind is always twirling in between an arguments, distracted.

On the other hand, where the freedom of expression, the state of seclusion and isolation is almost seductive. Edgeless border keeping us from knowing what will it be like to have your own mind, the one which I long for; the ideal world in desertion which is safe from everyone else. Imagine a world with you and I kept safe in a jar, not knowing what is outside, the curiosity builds yet all you wanted is to be happy, because soon you'll detect the feeling of chaos when you try to find out.

Like the Galaxy where there's zero gravity, your brain has no control but to surrender to higher authority, the mysterious planets being and the unknown. True contentment and understanding of what you have tried to be, to love you first and you only...

"i find the safe
hidden in the corner

my isolation
loneliness grows

they don't even know
that I exist..."

Perfect $tranger

2010-10-17T05:03:00.006+08:00

I have no interest in fame. It may seem like it's ideally formulated in our culture, popularity begin searching for their prey. Telling people what to like and what not to like, somehow has left the question of why do we even bother, the beautiful imperfection, the bittersweet reality.

Don't get me wrong, fame can be useful in ways one can only imagined. Tainted souls grabs on to fame like their own lives, the importance is beyond repair. Never wanting to let go, do what it takes to top themselves, finally enjoyed the hard-earned attention they desperately needed. While others use it for good, to charity organizations, to the less fortunate. Don't we all need some?

It's not just for us to judge because taste of fame is addictive, the pleasure of living in denial, when fantasy turns into reality, the money and fortune that comes with it, why not right?

I don't hate money, I'm in no position to hate money, even a hippie could use some cash. All I was saying is the truth behind what most people don't see or forget. I was asked once “Aren’t you afraid I might steal your money?” I pulsed for a second, wondered why the question was being asked in the first place, have we loss our defying human decency, to ought to be good, to treat each other with respect anymore?

Surely you must think why am I making it a big deal; I'll tell you if I say I have no absolute certainty that I might be wrong. Then I said “By all means..." Like I've mentioned, I'm no hippie y'know, this is not 1970s, money makes the world go round, I say that apologetically. However, I have to point out what I believe in must not stood in the way of what I've work so hard for. That everyone deserves an A for putting their effort on a project despite being criticized harshly.
How am I to argue otherwise?

We've all seen Stars consumed in the dark, lost space, trapped. Time will not turn back, don't bother waiting, you are what you are today and as second passes, you are moving forward. If I could tell you how much fame means to me, I'm telling you nothing.

To, not let money get in the way...cheers.

Head Held High

2010-10-12T01:34:00.005+08:00

Rediscovered Des'ree's brave anthem, look yourself in the mirror and ask why.

Why is it important to stay grounded.

Why is it okay for you to be mean to others.

Why can't we all just get along.

Rhetorical questions...

The Whys exists, somehow or another.

I think we know.

Tententen

2010-10-10T02:49:00.002+08:00

At what point of backstabbing worth the awakening of truth?

I asked myself that question for many times on repeat, I figured no one really knows.

The straight forward way to tell someone how you feel is being truthful, the devotional kind of pouring your heart out, trusting the other person.

It may be your dearest friends, close family members, it cannot stray away from the fact you trust them enough not to tell others.

However, when do we stop, though?

Where is the "How to stop yourself from backstabbing for idiots" when we need one?

I believe when the conscious is clear, you have facts to back you up, hence you don't have to feel sentimental about telling on people, NO WAY! Then again, the moral dilemma beg to differ, Angel in disguise, saying no to talking shits behind people's back; this will guide you towards the path of injustice, disruption, chaos and the end of equality.

The theory is simple, you back-stabbed someone, but you are close enough to tell that someone you talk shit regardless how that someone feels, you told anyway. The point is what if you're talking shit because you care, the need to express your view overtakes your moral dignity, and do you still do it?

No one feels like they are having fun unless they hate the person that much, to chose between your sanity and the worth talking about shits, is it worth your time, or does it not?

Whatever it has become, the sense of satisfaction mixed guilt is priceless, I'm just saying.

2009-04-12T23:33:00.004+08:00

HA HA.
HA HA.
HA HA.
HA HA.
HA HA.
HA HA.
HA HA.
HA HA.
HA HA.
HA HA.
HA HA.

Life.

THE FEAR

2009-04-12T23:17:00.010+08:00

WITH SCHOOL,
WITH MOTHER,
WITH NOT GETTING MASSAGES,
WITH WORKING,
WITH JEALOUSY,
WITH MEN, WITH GIRLS,
WITH WELL-GROOMED LADY THAT HOLDS A STICK OF CIGARETTE,
WITH SINGAPOREAN WITH NO MANNERISM OR WHAT-SO-EVER,
WITH BICKERING,
WITH TEENAGERS WHO SNIFF GLUE,
WITH MYSELF.
WITH NO SPACE TO ESCAPE.

The Message

2008-02-10T20:09:00.002+08:00

Take a moment, think about your message.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

2008-01-04T06:19:00.004+08:00

生日愉快.

I will always be there for you like you have for me.

Stay healthy and pretty.

I Love You

Something To Be Thankful For

2007-11-26T01:53:00.006+08:00

Peace of Me

2007-11-15T13:01:00.006+08:00

I mentioned about missing my friends due to busy schedule, but it's my grandmother that I really missed, it's been a while now. I saw her great smile once I reached the door front, I know she welcomed me. Looking at her face, somethings not right, then I realized that it's her wrinkles, there's more since the last time I visited. I bought her dumplings and she loved it.

I was there alone, I needed to be alone, the peace is mine.